Outsourcing the self
On artificial intelligence in the worst of places
Dating apps are not designed to help people date, but in my assorted times on and off them I’ve become unfortunately familiar with the various, shifting features that are unconducive to two people forming a real connection. Limited profile options, overprecise or too ambiguous identity markers, and the many paywalls intended to prevent people from matching, having a sustained conversation over time, and actually going on a date and getting to know each other in person, which is the only thing that can determine the compatibility of two people who have no prior social connections or shared context.
Probably the most annoying development, however, is the growing use of artificial intelligence, not by the dating app companies (though this is reportedly on its way), but by dating app users, who are using ChatGPT or other LLMs to speak for themselves.
Here are a series of bios that are AI-generated, with minimal editing by users:
Hey there! I’m looking for someone who shares my love for adventure and isn’t afraid to step out of their comfort zone. A great sense of humour and a kind heart are must-haves. Let’s explore new places together, have some good conversation, and create unforgettable memories! Send me a message.
Adventurous soul with a penchant for spontaneous road trips, gourmet cooking, and midnight stargazing. Equal parts fitness junkie and bookworm. Swipe right if you’re up for laughter, deep conversations, and a partner in crime for life’s escapades. Let’s make some memories together!
Adventurous guy who loves hiking, trying new food, and spontaneous road trips. Big fan of good conversation and even better coffee. Looking for someone to share laughs and sunsets with!
Adventure seeker, coffee enthusiast, and part-time chef (I promise my pasta is worth trying!). When I’m not hiking the trails or exploring new cities, you can find me at a local brewery or curled up with a good book. I love a good laugh and appreciate witty banter, so if you can keep up let’s go!
I’m looking for someone who shares my zest for life and isn’t afraid to step out of their comfort zone. Someone who values honesty, kindness, and has a good sense of humour. Whether it’s a spontaneous road trip or a cozy night in, I’m looking for a partner to share life’s moments with.
I’m an open-minded and easygoing person who’s passionate about esoterics, self-improvement and meditations. When I’m not exploring new ideas, you can find me staying active at the gym or taking scenic walks and trails. Looking for someone who shares my love for growth and like-minded people.
Always up for an adventure whether it’s exploring a new local spot or planning a weekend getaway. Love to cook, terrible at keeping houseplants alive. Looking for someone who’s kind, curious, and not afraid to laugh at my terrible dad jokes.
One of these bios on its own is fine – bland but acceptable. As a trend, they’re indicative of the passivity and lack of investment that dating apps foster by design: if you aren’t going to meet anyone, anyway, why does it matter what you say about yourself?
My own minor edits aside (I removed stray quotation marks – sure sign of being copy-pasted), the bios above are recreated as seen. The same catchphrases repeated as I swiped, a high-speed montage of the imaginary, ideal relationship: everyone wanted witty banter from a partner in crime who drank great coffee and was available for road trips and weekend getaways and deep conversations and unforgettable memories. After a few weeks of reading these one summer I noticed my teeth clenching at the words “spontaneous adventures”.
The recurring framing was sometimes customized yet terminally generic: Characteristic 1, Characteristic 2, Characteristic 3. When I’m not doing Activity 1 or Activity 2 you can find me at Activity 3. Whether it’s Activity 4 or Activity 5, I’m always down for Something Exciting. Looking for someone who’s Characteristic 4, Characteristic 5, and Characteristic 6. Invitation to Connect.
Awash in these numbing abstractions, I asked ChatGPT to write me a bio to confirm my sense about what I was reading:
Me: Can you write me a short bio for a dating app?
ChatGPT: Sure! Here’s a short and fun bio you can use for a dating app:
“Adventurer at heart, foodie by choice1, and always up for a good laugh. I love exploring new places, trying new recipes, and spending time with good company. Looking for someone to share spontaneous adventures, deep conversations, and maybe a pizza or two. Let’s see where this goes!”
Feel free to personalize it more if you’d like!
This is not me, and I intentionally didn’t give ChatGPT any information about me for the writing of this bio, but even if I personalized it, it still wouldn’t be a good representation of who I am, what I like, or how I communicate, because I didn’t write it.
I teach English literature to undergraduate students, and every semester around essay submission time we talk about how artificial intelligence is easily detectable because it has no self to express. It’s a bland amalgamation of ideas without any original opinion. Macbeth is about the dangers of unchecked ambition. When I’m not hiking the trails, you can find me at the local brewery. An essay is an argument, and you have to argue for something. A dating app biography, however limited, is an expression of the self, and you have to be you.
I’ll admit ChatGPT usage in dating does serve a helpful purpose as a reminder that human beings, in general, are not that unique. Most people who want a relationship are probably looking for a deep connection and quality conversation, most people enjoy a pizza (maybe even two pizzas), most people probably wouldn’t say no to watching the sun set, enjoying nature, or even going on a road trip with a prospective partner. I would go on a road trip provided it was not spontaneous.
And therein lies the issue with outsourcing the expression of yourself to AI in the search for love: particularity. Love is sparked by an encounter of the particularity of the other person, and if you’re looking for a unique, exclusive connection with someone else, you just aren’t going to find that particularity with very many people. That’s the frustrating and the good thing about dating.
Using AI to come up with a collage of ideas about a generic self flattens out the possibility for this encounter of particularity: the exciting electricity that can arise from two, specific, unique and unpredictable people discovering one another. An AI-generated biography will never amount to an expression of the beautiful reality of a particular person, who, along with their romantic preferences and relationship ideals, will come with annoying habits and faults, unusual tendencies in speech, and other unrepeatable but lovable characteristics.
A biography that you write for yourself may not be able to express this, either. It’s hard to articulate yourself in the limited space of a dating app profile designed to be skimmed over in a matter of seconds. It’s certainly faster to ask a computer to describe you, but the computer won’t be describing you, and if you do go on an eventual date with another human being, you won’t be able to escape the reality of your very self encountering theirs, and either connecting, or not.
I don’t really know how a person is a foodie by choice, as to me this implies that becoming a foodie was a difficult decision opted into against one’s initial will or after some arduous struggle. As in, okay, I GUESS if I MUST like food, I will. I once knew a man who was trying to drink Soylent daily instead of eating actual meals, so maybe he became a foodie by choice after an intense conversion, or because someone convinced him that eating real food was healthier and more enjoyable.